Where “Self” Comes From: A Story of Growth and Identity
So, I’m 29 now. It feels like I’ve been on this journey forever—trying to understand myself,
what drives me, and where I fit in this world. Growing up in an African American family, there’s always this pressure to “keep it real” while balancing what society expects and what my culture demands. My parents taught me about survival: how to navigate through a world that often sees you as “other,” and how to show up strong, no matter what.
But here’s the thing—they didn’t teach me about me. They didn’t teach me to listen to my own voice or understand the power of my emotional needs. In my community, and especially for Black people, there’s this deep-rooted idea of resilience. But what happens when that resilience wears thin? What happens when you, as a person, just need to take a step back, breathe, and process the weight you’ve been carrying?
Becoming a social worker was part of this evolution. It wasn’t just about helping others—it
was also about healing myself through helping others. At work, I saw so much pain, trauma, and hurt. It almost became a mirror. I started noticing things about myself—how I coped with stress, how I sometimes felt invisible, how I couldn’t shake off the feeling that maybe, just maybe, I had internalized so much of society’s mess.
Then, in 2017, I met Jesus. It wasn’t some dramatic conversion; it was more like a quiet tug on my heart that changed everything. Through my faith, I learned that true healing comes from knowing I’m loved unconditionally by God. I started praying and seeking peace in the midst of the chaos of life. This relationship with Jesus became a critical part of my journey toward self-care. It wasn’t just about managing my emotions or fixing the things that were broken—it was about being grounded in something bigger than myself, finding spiritual strength to face challenges, and knowing I don’t have to do it alone.
Self-Awareness
The thing about self-awareness is that it doesn’t just come from reading books or therapy. It comes from living. It’s the conversations with my clients, hearing their struggles and victories, that made me realize how much I’ve been holding onto. As a millennial, I’ve seen the impact of our generation’s push for change—whether it’s racial justice, mental health awareness, or standing up for what we believe in. But we’re also balancing the pressure of social media, hustle culture, and expectations that we should have it all figured out.
Sometimes, self feels like a moving target. Some days I feel strong in my identity as a Black woman, and other days, I feel like I’m battling imposter syndrome or battling the complexity of my family’s expectations vs. my own desires. I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that “self” isn’t something static. It’s fluid, always shifting with every new experience, each piece of wisdom that I gain from my peers, and every step I take toward self-love and care.
I’ve also learned that self isn’t just about the internal stuff; it’s about connection too. The older I get, the more I see the importance of community. For me, my circle of friends—other millennials who are also figuring it out—has been everything. It’s in those deep, vulnerable conversations where I realized that I’m not alone in my journey. We talk about everything from managing mental health to navigating our careers, and those moments of collective growth shape who I am.
What is Self?
Finding Your Sense of Self
Self also comes from those moments of quiet reflection, when I sit by myself, in my space, and allow myself to just be. I’ve learned that self-care isn’t just bubble baths and cute candles. It’s also setting boundaries with people, being honest about what I need, and not feeling guilty for taking time to recharge. Growing up, I didn’t always feel I had the luxury of that space. But now? I make it a priority.
Ultimately, my sense of self has come from a mixture of my upbringing, my work, my community, and my relationship with Jesus. It’s been a journey of peeling back layers—sometimes slow and painful, but always necessary. And here’s the thing: I’m still learning who I am, and I don’t think I’ll ever be “done” with that. Self is fluid, ever-changing, and that’s okay. We don’t need to have it all figured out. We just need to keep evolving, keep questioning, and keep being true to who we are in every moment.
Where Self-Care Came From: A History of Healing
So, let’s talk about self-care—what it really means and where it comes from. It’s something we hear a lot about these days, especially in our generation. But the truth is, the concept of taking care of yourself has roots that go way back. It didn’t just pop up with Instagram influencers promoting their skincare routines.
Historically, self-care originated as a form of survival—especially in marginalized communities. In the 1960s and ‘70s, self-care became a term used by activists in the Black and feminist movements.
For Black people, it was a necessary way to combat the constant dehumanization and systemic oppression they faced. Black women, in particular, were taught that their well-being didn’t matter, and so they had to make a radical choice: to prioritize themselves amidst a world that would rather see them invisible. Self-care was, for them, an act of resistance—a way to maintain dignity in a society that kept trying to strip it away.
As society evolved, self-care became more associated with personal wellness—mental, physical, and emotional. In the 1980s and ‘90s, with the rise of wellness culture, it began to be marketed as something accessible to everyone. But it wasn’t until the 2000s, with the advent of social media, that self-care became part of mainstream dialogue in a big way. We started talking more openly about mental health, boundaries, and the importance of rest in a world that glorifies overworking.
For me, self-care is a practice of honoring my humanity, my limits, and my emotional needs. It’s about acknowledging that I’m more than just my productivity and success. It’s a mindset shift that says, “I’m worth taking care of.” And it doesn’t have to be perfect.
Sometimes, self-care is a good cry, sometimes it’s deep breaths, and other times, it’s turning off the world for a moment to hear from God.
It’s about finding ways to rest, reset, and reclaim your peace. No matter where we’re from, the origins of self-care remind us that taking care of ourselves isn’t selfish—it’s necessary for us to show up fully in our lives and our communities.
At Loving OneSelf, I help the modern woman turn self-care into a lifestyle of self-love—simple, joyful, and made just for you.
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